I’ve realized this last year or so, that my life is a big mess of loose ends and unfinished business. This drives me insane… to the point where I can’t think of much else. I’ve never been very good at working things out with people.. more so when i was younger. I think I got really upset and then shut down without trying to deal with things… I still shut down, but, I’ve come to realize the value in having people around. I kind of screwed up a lot of friendships and love relationships because I didn’t try and work them out. I have since found a couple of friends…, one is friends on facebook, but it’s obvious that we are in such different places with so many years without communicating.. that I have a hard time relating anymore.. I mean we’re still kind of the same people, but we’ve just had such different experience since, that it’s difficult.
Others I’ve thought of, but haven’t gotten a hold of. Let me just say.. that there is nothing more frustrating than wanting to have a conversation with someone … maybe just to say sorry, or for some sort of closure , and not be able to have that. I think that may be one of my biggest life heartbreaks. It takes me years.. years to get over things sometimes… but apparently for others.. “years” = forgetting..
You would think that I could just let go, but I think the very fact that I can’t deal with the emotions,. or because so many years were spent hurting.. I just can’t make sense of all of it without closure, i guess….
I mean.. even little things have been bothering me.. like there was this guy back in 96? or so? Well we met online.. the only person at that point I had ever met online and actually wanted to meet in person.. He was an awesome guy.. awesome.. We probably would’ve dated for awhile.. because I just liked him… well.. because it was a weird online meeting.. and I was overly cautious.. I never gave him my number.. I had his.. called him a couple times and we were planning on meeting.. Well, this other guy I was kinda dating got jealous.. and I think he stole the piece of paper with his number on it… so I never got to call this guy back.. It really upset me because I told this guy I would call him back.. He probably thought I blew him off. It just bothers me… so stupid I know.. He was a really shy nice guy.. and who knows what he was thinking.. but, I feel bad… to this day.. I still feel bad… He probably doesn’t even remember who the hell I am.. I know.. I’m totally stupid. Crazy… It’s just weird shit like this that stays in the back of my head..
It’s more than that.. there are a few different situations I wish I had handled better. I wish I had better communication skills. I think that when I hurt so soo sooo bad I don’t know how to handle things. I think I get so scared of hurting more, especially when I don’t think I can hurt any more than I already am… so I avoid the situations that may cause the pain.
So, how do I deal with this? There doesn’t seem to be any way of dealing with some of it.. especially if the other people don’t want to talk to me.. How do I let things be?